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| Just typing out to an empty void...my thoughts, ideas, fears, and joys- wondering if anyone sees what I am seeing.
Went running on Ocean Beach the other day and saw a homeless woman sitting against the graffiti stricken wall with her kid. As I ran, that image just stuck in my head. And questions kept at the same pace that I was going. When did her life take a turn? How did she arrive to that place in her life? What choices did she make? And then right there..I stopped...and I got this feeling, a feeling of loneliness and abandonment- like there was no one else in the world...it even felt like there was no God. Because I put myself in her shoes for just one second, and in her first-person..."Why is it like this?"..."How come there is no foothold to a better place?"....I relate, because in a sense I feel this way sometimes.
Could our fears have formed a religion? Did we really get so scared of what lies ahead of us that we created something that would protect us?...something that would assure us that we would be okay?
Bills to pay, rent to pay, insurance to pay, food to pay....I feel we become slaves to the money. Without it, we literally die.
So how can this all be balanced out? How can one attain happiness but still retain the means for survival? You ever heard of what one does for a living defines the person..a lil bit of bs to me. What one does for a living merely is a means to physically live. The person is defined through people, through books she loves to read, the lives she helps, and the lives who help her, through her dog, through her personal stories (all of which do not involve her job experience). I feel that society has placed too much on who we are by what we do, that our worth is defined by our annual salary.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I got caught up in our Asian culture..or societal culture, that money and security is everything. And it's been holding me back, making me scared to take risks because the things that I want to do don't have a 401k plan, a decent salary, or a sure-fire great future. I'm done thinking that way...to a certain extent.
So it's time to fly now- what is ahead...I don't know. I'll explain more in time.
Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.
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| I guess at the end of the day all I really want is to be inspired and understood. The words we say and write are never really accepted by others. As we grow older we get a bit more stubborn, stuck in our own ways, and living life according to the beat of our own drum. Right before college ended life was on the right track, but now I realize that that was just a false sense of accomplishment....finish this paper by this date, get a good grade, graduate by this year. Done. Done. Done. But after all this was over, after all this was "accomplished" I felt....lost. (hysterical laugh) I have no idea what's going on.
No plan.
No goal.
"So scared of getting older. I'm only good at being young."
I used to be so determined, so gung ho to reach for the stars. Have I given up? Or have I changed my perspective on life? I don't want to coast.
Life at twenty something. | | |
| I'm a sucker for billboards. I passed by one that advertised Adam Corrola's radio show...106.9 FM on my way to work. "I'll check it out" I thought. This show is similar to that of Howard Stern's...entertaining and shocking I admit I became glued to the airwaves...like a guilty pleasure or something. So right when i turn it to 106.9..."Boom"..."I was raped" were the first words I heard. Whoa, caught my attention. Apparently, the woman who was being interviewed was one of the many women who was Osama Bin Laden's mistresses. The woman went into details of sexual positions, the size of Osama's (well you know), and the whole persona of him in general. Now here was the unsettling part. Osama likes having sex with virgins, and apparently a common tradition overthere in order to keep your daughters pure was to cut off the vaginal lips and sow up the vagina. Ouch!!!! Then when marriage comes/the day you first have sex, the man gets a razor blade!! and cuts the woman open and proceeds to have sex with her. OH man!! Well, that's what Osama did, just skipped the whole marraige thing and went right to the sex...mind you she didn't want to, but she had to or she'd be killed. Sad.
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| One of those nights where I can't sleep and just thinking...played over a soundtrack of songs by Imogen Heap.
It just seems that I can't get life right. And it's sad to say but it's been so long since I really can say that I've been truly happy. I'm not looking for a "Maddox, it's okay." or "I'll pray for you." because I'm just wondering if anyone else is going through this at our stage of life. The worries just keep piling up. The pressures from society keep annoying me like an irratating skin rash. When I'm in my car I scream at the top of my lungs...usually profanity, because for a few seconds it gets that stress or whatever it is out of my system.
Does anyone know what I'm feeling?
Does anyone else feel that the Asian community follows that of a stereotypical Hollywood factor?
If you don't really know what I mean then you probably don't think so.
I'm just tired. I'm stressing myself out, because there's a constant competition between us. Whether it be in relationships, jobs, colleges, houses, schools, money, our cars. We're all trying to one-up each other, but we do it in our humble asian way. Exhale...whatever...I'm tired now. The ramblings has made my brain mushy. | | |
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